Sarah* was set up for a first date with Max* at a trendy cocktail bar one chill spring evening. Connected through an online match, they had a common interest in television series and films, with Max selecting the venue and time.
Max was attractive, high-minded, and had a subtle charm about him. Sarah started to consider the possibility of a second meet.
Then, she felt a slight nudge on her shoulder.
She turned around to see a tall, impressive blonde woman beside her. Sarah mistakenly thought she was the hostess about to notify her about the kitchen services ending.
She was mistaken.
The woman expressed, ‘Excuse me for breaking up your occasion, but the man you are with… I had been in a relationship with him until recently… Simultaneously, he was in a relationship with someone else.’
Sarah narrates how she went from enjoying an intimate date to an unexpected and dramatic encounter, leaving her nearly shocked.
The woman then said, ‘Hello, Max. Good luck,’ says Sarah.
The woman then vanished as mysteriously as she had arrived.
Let’s refer to this striking blonde as Annabel.
Annabel had been in a relationship with Max for around three months before ending it. She had suspicions about one of his Facebook friends and decided to message her.
‘Turns out I was right. She was heartbroken, being six months into the relationship,’ Annabel says.
Skip ahead to that chill spring evening. Annabel had met a friend for a drink close by the same bar.
She saw the bar and instantly recoiled, remembering how Max had taken her there on their first date.
‘Suddenly, as though sprung from my mind, there he was, sitting at the exact same table where we had our first date. Only, he wasn’t alone.’
Annabel explained that a sense of community duty, combined with righteous indignation, compelled her to confront Sarah and Max, thus drastically changing the course of their date.
Raising Thorny Questions
Annabel is not alone in this journey of solidarity, protecting another woman from potential harm, and sharing her dating horror story.
But chance encounters like these are uncommon – such revelations are increasingly becoming online, with intent.
Facebook and other social media platforms are filled with profiles aiming to expose cheaters.
Not just the cheaters, but also the harassers. Women upload pictures of men, sometimes specifying their first names or workplaces, hoping to find out if they pose a prospective danger of violence, manipulation, or any other forms of abuse. They often find comments on whether the guy is known for ghosting or gaslighting, has questionable personal hygiene, or the presence of catfishing profiles waiting to be exposed.
Pages with names like ‘Do we have the same man?’ allow women to upload pictures of their online matches, asking if anyone has any gossip about them.
‘Do any of you know Daniel? Got some juice?’ they query.
‘Does anyone know about Ben?’
‘Does anyone know Tim’s wife?’
Responses vary widely from vouching for the guy to accusations of domestic violence, manipulative behavior, child neglect, lies, and infidelity.
Some respond with allegations of narcissism, or psychopathy.
In a recent case observed by Guardian Australia, a woman uploaded complete details about a man, including civil charges against him, as a cautionary warning for others if he was back on Tinder.
Women usually turn to these sites to feel safe, to examine if the person they are considering dating is a creep. These platforms – which exist in dozens in Australia, boasting tens of thousands of members – stir contentious debates about privacy, ethics, defamation, and the possibility of redemption.
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Having decided against a second meeting with Max, Sarah asks, ‘Are people permitted to learn from their mistakes and start afresh? Once they betray a person, is love an unattainable dream for them afterwards?’
The men who are publicly shamed, if they ever discover it, find it challenging to defend themselves as they are not granted access to these Facebook groups. Several resort to Reddit, alleging that women concoct false tales about their behavior, invent malicious lies for revenge, or pertaining to relationships that either did not work out or simply never started.
Why Women Resort To Such Platforms
It’s undeniable that the 3 million Australians who are active online daters experience abuse.
As per the Australian Institute of Criminology, three-fourths of online daters reported some form of sexual violence induced by a dating app. This includes sexual harassment, stalking, usage of abusive or intimidatory language, or image-based sexual violence.
Carla Wilshire, CEO of the Social Policy Group and Director of the Centre for Digital Wellbeing, believes that women resort to these pages for self-defense.
Wilshire states, ‘Women feel an urgent need to resort to these measures as the platforms grossly fail them on the security aspect.’
However, she cautions that semi-public shaming inherently poses problems.
‘It’s impossible to speculate about a user’s intentions. This ranges from intentions to shield other women from a potential abuser to… a private relationship turning sour due to failing expectations.’
Wilshire warns that people who post on these sites risk potential legal actions for defamation or breaching privacy laws. The pictures or consequent comments often contain identifiable information about the man.
According to Wilshire, dating apps must integrate artificial intelligence to identify habitual offenders and improve user protection.
The federal government has instructed dating apps to formulate practices to address sexual assault and abuse on their platforms. In September, Communications Minister Michelle Rowland notified 10 popular dating sites that the government would enact legislation obligating them to take action if they did not enhance their safety protocols by next year
However, this does not tackle the issue of identifying cheaters.
After Annabel had left, Sarah confronted Max.
‘I told him: A, either she’s truthful; or B, she’s mentally unstable,’ recalls Sarah.
‘To my utter surprise, he replied: ‘Both A and B are true.’ I admit that took me by surprise.’
(Sarah now regrets using the term ‘psycho’, realizing it is often used by men as an easy excuse to ridicule and belittle women.)
Sarah departed feeling somewhat bewildered and amused by the unforeseen unfolding of the evening, along with an edge of cynicism.
Annabel, on the other hand, accuses dating apps of only caring about generating revenue without considering people’s wellbeing.
‘Their main aim isn’t helping people find true love,’ she articulates.
On the brighter side, she formed a strong bond of friendship with Max’s other girlfriend. ‘She feels like a sister to me now,’ Annabel says.
‘It’s been a joy to have someone to share this journey – and the horrifying stories of dating – with.’
*Names have been changed to maintain anonymity.
